Goodbye Peter Pan

May 29, 20177 min read

Deviation Actions

Published: May 29, 2017

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I was called up to office today and told my final day of work was to be 9th of June . Happy Birthday to me I guess, because at least I know what I want to do and also what I'm lacking.

My agency told me they were happy with nearly all aspects of my performance...Except I lacked a very vital skill and the only reason why they let me carry on for three months was apparently because the school liked the fact even though I was inexperienced teaching (at the beginning)

I got better, however what I lacked was classroom management skills which is something fast paced learners pick up better than me and I admit. I'm not fast. And my company told me that it was not a charity. Which I agree with.

Three months was kind of them for someone with no teaching experience and I took away is I love imparting knowledge, I got over my irrational fear of kids and I actually like teaching them. Children are more easygoing and respectful than adults.

I have applied for NIE training , and preschool teaching. Truth be told, I am very nervous, anxious about my future. I also am conflicted as my art website has hit 1100 followers. A big milestone to me as it shows that people like my stories (which I am super grateful for!) , are starting to get interested in my stories, and continue to like the content I put out and I recently and oddly have gotten a huge boost in comments and interest. But it has always been a dream of mine to someday live off my comics and art and produce writing and content full time.

Problem is I really like teaching. I love knowing I have imparted knowledge, that my kids have learnt something and had fun! I like teaching and see it as a challenge and as a way to break out of my shell. My (now former ) boss told me frankly I lack people skills , something many have expressed to me before and that I lack insight. I don't want to be that cold, quiet, sulky , angsty person anymore, because one all it brought is loneliness and blocked out people I care about. Two, teaching gives a chance to learn and keep myself fresh and updated so I can continuously update myself. I am going to try to talk to more people in real life and develop more knowledge.

So you could say I am at a cross roads. I love both . One is old, familiar but uncertain . One promises adventure,stability and is new. So, you could say I am pretty lost again. I am not going to give up. I just am ...Pretty lost you could say. I'm not sure if anyone is going to read this long message but thans whoever is reading this now! I don't say it often but I appreciate everyone who reads my posts!

Tomorrow is a new day. I still have to work. A bit sad but mostly I feel pretty determined to keep moving on and not let a small setback hinder me!

Also, I had my faults pointed out today and it's not pretty but after evaluation it also makes sense that due to past trauma I built a wall around myself and become extremely possessive or needy to those I let in

It has potentially kept away potential friendships and destroyed friendships that were forged for years.

I also lack social skills, I was informed I am pretty thick which as un-pretty as it sounds, I was, I am .

I need people at times to repeat to me what they have just said for me to process it. Simple things that others pick up fast , I take twice longer.I was stunned when I heard that but it makes horrible sense because in a fast paced world, few are patient and over time people think they are being played the fool. I think I have to train my brain to be less 'lazy' because I think it slowed down due to me concentrating solely to studies, art that I left barely any for interaction. I'm really not sure if I can improve on this.

Also due to bullying, trusting and befriending the wrong people have led me to build a wall around myself and to school myself to actually say words that would make the other party happy. Problem is, this wall while it has protected me, also has destroyed potential for growth. And I am sick and tired of it.

I am so tired of being 'nice' because all it brought me was people expressing frustration I am not being authentic. And honestly I'm only ever authentic online, ironically because all the people here I have known for years. But thing is the people who I have known for years have started to comment on this trait. I feel angry and confused on this. I was taught that People like nice, yet in reality they don't want nice and when I am not nice some just up and leave. And that scares me. I'm rambling at this point, I know.

The nice is a barrier but it is all I have ever known that I was taught that if I kept it up, people would like me, want to be friends. But it seems that people over time realize the nice is not really me and leave. It frustrates me because I see the nice as consideration but people don't like it. ....And sometimes, I don;t like it too.

I am also get very defensive, especially when people criticize me. Five people now including my former boss pointing it out...Can't be wrong. Me noticing it and groaning inwardly can't be wrong. Because I actually have a very short temper. Like both my parents actually

I always have to be right, my anger consumes me and I attack the other person like no tomorrow until I 'win'. And then I regret it.But it's always almost too late . And I think it is also because I don't hang out with others. I don't make time to socialize. And now I truly regret it.

If anyone in real life who knows me reads this. Whether you taught me, was my classmate, or my teacher. I truly am sorry . I had no idea, really I was that difficult to work with. I did not mean it. And I will try to be better. Thank you for being my friend. ((Also, I just re-read this and it sounds like I am gonna go and off myself which I reassure anyone reading this, I am not. I am very sad, angry and tired but mostly angry . Angry at myself and I am not gonna! ))