i'm scared

4 min read

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BubbleDriver
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I lost my belief in the world today. This week I have been shouted at three times , one by a superior, one by my co-worker and one by the clients face to face , beaten by said new superior innumerable times.

Me being contacted by a dark part of my past that brings me no end of grief was the last straw. I am sad, miserable and terrified and heartbroken.

I will be leaving my job. And looking for a new job. But I feel numb. The only consolation is I cried. I thought I long lost the ability to cry. It felt like a barrier breaking, and I felt relieved I could feel any emotion. I have been holding it together for months but this month is the last straw.

My family has been the only things that kept me together this week. I am thankful I have them, both by blood and here online.

I have gained experience, wisdom to find a new , hopefully better and proper workplace ...But at what cost?

The future once again hangs in the balance as I must go to work on monday and await job interviews and deal with my colleagues.

And the clients.

I just don't want to get up. In my dreams, everything is safe. Everything is happy and bright. But I know it's a dream because even in dreams I refuse to let myself be happy.

Isn't that sad and funny?

I was at a fair , with someone who was ..important to me, I did noit know this person but they were in love with me and I was in love with them in the dream.  I wore proper clothes that I could afford to buy for myself. We were happy.

My date offered to buy me lunch and that was when I started crying.

"What's wrong?" they asked. "Nothing."I replied, crying and laughing.

"I know this is a dream because I'm happy." Then I woke up. I wanted to cry but I didn't. 

But I know that never waking up would break my mother's heart.

She cried this week after she found out I had been beaten.

I felt like scum for letting her find out. i still feel like absolute trash.

I hate to sound like a whiney baby, but I probably am. But please...Please comfort me.Please reassure me. My world is going dark and grey and I am so afraid.

((**EDIT 13/11/2016 : The one co-worker I thought I could somewhat trust apparently is stalking the youtube page I manage for said business just commented on a video I was supposed to remove.

Said-new supervisor and her are chums. Said new supervisor has threatened and spat in my face and beaten me for said video having an error . I was supposed to remove it last Friday after the episode but was so shaken after yet another beating and scream-fest,  apparently I forgot.

There is no such thing as trust and no one I can count or trust in that company anymore. Also my boss has told me I cannot quit on the spot. I still have 2 months more of contact with said company. I have to deal with the den of weasels for 2 months more.

I wish for 2016 to end as soon as possible. Or to just die. Death is easy. ))

© 2016 - 2024 BubbleDriver
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terminated-account's avatar
terminated-account
Awh.. There's nothing wrong with seeking help with compromising your problems out from the dullness of happiness, and hearing that you've been beaten, for one, just because of a video error, pisses me the hell off. That's just fucking bloody ridiculous.

How can these kind of people even do this kind of crap to you? You're the sweetest, yūgen, sagacious dudette I've ever met. That's..
Sad..
Real sad..

Honestly, I hope you'll be able to walk out of there soon, and deserve so much more than what you're going through. Don't let those kind of jackasses get in the way of your dreams, things will get better, okay? <=^[